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How To Hold Firm Boundaries & Finally Get Some Self Respect

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Hosted by
Simon Lovell

Featured on Forbes.com and Entrepreneur, Simon Lovell coaches and mentors top CEOS, entrepreneurs, and leaders on emotional intelligence, fulfillment, and happiness so they can reach the next level of impact. He is author of The Black Ball: Does Anybody Else Have A Secret & the host of Unshakeable Leaders Podcast.

His loving but NO BS approach and super strong accountability in his signature 6-week program The Super High-Performance Formula has been called 'profound' and 'life-changing'.

Holding boundaries is crucial in life and the lack of them can have a huge impact on your relationships – when you have either low or no boundaries that hugely affects your energy. 

When you fail to hold a boundary with someone, you disrespect yourself. 

You disrespect your soul when you need to say something but you don’t say it; you feel an intuitive hit to speak, but when you can’t speak your truth you really feel it in your body. 

Start to link your personal boundaries with your business 

If you’re an entrepreneur or business owner who operates without boundaries you’ll find it reflects hugely in your business.

When I had low self-esteem and low confidence it had an impact on my boundaries in my personal relationships. When codependency was active within my relationship my business took a huge dip in revenue – that was in direct relation to the boundaries I didn’t hold. 

It would be easy for me to blame the other person, but truth is, I had to look within. I didn’t hold my boundaries because I wasn’t fully healed and I continued to be in a relationship I knew wasn’t right for me due to fear.

Your boundaries in your personal relationships impact your business, and the boundaries you hold in your friendships and with family members have an impact on your business mission.

When I coach clients and I work with people within my super high performance formula, discussions often come up around frustration in business or within relationships, and it often can be linked to the lack of boundaries they held.

Think about all the things you’ve been frustrated with and all the people you’ve blamed. Then ask yourself if you failed to set a boundary early on in the relationship and ask yourself what you should have said that you didn’t.

When you know you should say something but you don’t, and a person continues to cross the line, it will drain you and that will affect your energy. It drags you down, you create resentments and you start to beat yourself up because you know you should have taken an action, but you weren’t strong enough to.

Dial-In Your Boundaries 

When you hold a boundary you use your authentic power by stepping into your truth – truth in power is key to holding your boundaries.

When you don’t make your boundaries important you’re subconsciously knocking your own confidence because you’re not speaking up 

That seeps into your business and you’ll become less confident with your sales, marketing, and in yourself, leaving you feeling confused. 

You start to get confused about something you think is about the business, but it’s because you have other personal things going on in respect of boundaries. That causes you to feel low in energy and have negative thought patterns in your business – most people don’t tie these things together.

When I hold a boundary I look if it’s an isolated incident or a continued behavior over time. If you’re not holding a boundary or issues aren’t addressed the person will continue to chip away at you, 

When you’re looking outwards at other people and see a repeated behavior in someone else have the level of consciousness to look at how you repeat your behavior. Respect that they may need to hold boundaries with you. 

You’ll better understand why that’s important and you can respect somebody that holds a boundary with you instead of getting frustrated with them. 

Is Fear Holding You Back?

Are you not holding a boundary because of a fear? The thought of losing a partner, friend, or team member can really hold you back, but you’re disrespecting yourself by putting other people above your own needs. 

People who really care about you will appreciate your boundaries. 

Sometimes you think what you have is the best you can get, but when you hold a boundary, you create an energetic space to bring something into your world that is far better for you and more aligned.

Being in alignment is so important when it comes to boundaries and you need to know when you’re enabling someone. 

You’re always teaching people how to treat you; if you’re replying to messages on the weekend, and you don’t want to do that you’re training that person to do it again. If you receive a message and respond immediately you’re making it okay – think about how fast you react to pleasing others. 

The reason you please others is your low self-esteem and low self-confidence – you want to make others happy because you’re fearing something will happen if you don’t.

Get Your Power Back

Personal development is so critical when it comes to business growth and it’s important to link the two together. Personal growth is being aware of boundaries, and how you can grow and align.

If you’re always in reaction to other people and people-pleasing, you’re not going to be able to fully be in your power and actually move to your next level, because you’re in submission. You’re not in control because your subconscious is reacting to the situation.

When you identify the fear that’s stopping you from holding a boundary and you reframe that, you start to get your power back.

When you want to start holding your boundaries you need to give yourself time and space. It’s too easy to react to people and make a silly decision. Let people know you will get back to them to give yourself time to think. It’s especially important in business to take the pressure off yourself so you don’t make a hasty decision.

Your Energy Matters

If you are in situations where your boundaries with family members or friends are very unhealthy you need to stop the behavior having an impact on your energy. If you don’t hold a boundary the other person won’t change and they will continue with behaviors they think are okay.

Hold a high standard for yourself to protect your energy.

Know that by holding your boundaries you are raising your own bar and presenting the standard you hold for yourself and your business.

When you continue to live in the lower vibration of fear you allowing the other person’s standards to become your way of being. Holding your boundaries invites change in other people too.

Know the difference between what you feel is not okay and what you choose to say. Your ego creates a reason for you to continue to suppress your voice. When you don’t express the things you need to you’re avoiding difficult conversations and the emotions that might come up for yourself or the other person.

Get okay with difficult conversations and discussions that may erupt. When you are conscious about who you are you become more conscious as a business owner.

When you don’t react to the same energy as you’re receiving you have a presence that dissolves the other person’s ego.

A man went into a complete rage and started shouting at me Instead of matching him with the same energy, which would have caused a fight, I was present with him. I didn’t react to his energy. He was wanting a reaction because at that moment he wasn’t being himself, his ego was angry and wanted to fight. 

When you don’t match negative or draining energy, but you’re present you’re letting that person know that you see them, you’re there, but you’re not going to match their energy.

If you give yourself long enough without reacting, your ego will start to dissolve. That’s what happened, he just walked away without anything happening.

When you become the master of yourself, you become the master of your reactions and you heal yourself. That creates a level of presence and calm within you show other people how to be the same – for many people, it’s alien because they’re so used to reacting and snapping because they’re trying to win, be right, and be stubborn.

Stubbornness Has a Timeline 

When something doesn’t go your way or you notice it in other people, a stubbornness can set in. You can dissolve stubbornness by instantly saying sorry, the trouble is people don’t have the self-awareness to do that because they want to be right. 

A determining factor when I hold boundaries is if someone is willing to say sorry. That may come immediately or a week afterwards when they have a realization and then apologize.

I feel it in my body when I’ve done something wrong and I’m fast to put things right for me and the other person. When I don’t, I’m out of alignment because my body feels off and I feel drained of energy. 

To put things right I will apologize. I’m completely congruent with what I’m feeling and what I say – If I feel I was awful I will say it was awful of me, and if I feel I need some time and space I express that.

It’s important to tune in to what’s happening in your body so you can verbalize that – as an entrepreneur and business leader, being self-aware enables you to be transparent, authentic and vulnerable with the people you’re surrounded with. 

It’s so important to respect your own energy. When you really listen to yourself you start to identify within the things you need to heal or the level of confidence you need to shift. 

You can look at your own healing, self-confidence, and the reasons why you’re not holding boundaries because you have fears. Link your boundaries to power and truth for you to feel you’re living in a positive, healthy place – if you think that boundaries and you feel that that is negative, you’re never going to hold them.

Go beyond what you typically do. Think about it, feel it, ask yourself questions, otherwise you will continue to live the same way and you’ll continue to feel frustrated. 

If you know you need to develop in this area to help you and your business, check out the amazing results generated by the Super High Performance Formula.

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