The steps I took to heal my anger through emotional & energetic intelligence (EEQ) that literally changed my life.
My blood used to boil and a man emerged I didn’t even know. I would be so enraged that I would blow up on people, completely unaware of the cause but very aware of the effect it had on my relationships, my happiness, and my business. In addition to feeling angry, I felt guilty for the pain I knew I caused to others.
In fact, I missed quite a few business opportunities because of this.
Let’s be honest, no one likes to lose their shit. When you don’t understand why, it’s even more painful…
The problem was, I didn’t understand what was happening within me. It can be incredibly painful for anyone holding onto anger. But the reality is, anger is energy, and just like a balloon, you can pop it so that you don’t react in the same way.
People think that they have to be angry forever. If anyone ever says “it’s just the way I am”, then know this is denial.
Attacks that arise from rage usually leads to beating yourself up emotionally after an incident. You may turn to alcohol or drugs because it soothes and calms you down – once you’ve relaxed, you don’t know how to deal with the situation and you feel like you’re trapped in a very dark place. That was my experience. It’s a dangerous cycle.
The Healing Process
1. One of the first steps in healing is to hold your hand up and admit it, own it. That is actually getting your power back over it but this can be a challenge due to shame.
You should never put someone else through the pain because you cannot manage your emotions.
Become emotionally intelligent by admitting to yourself how you are negatively impacting yourself and other people – decide you want to react to people calmly and handle yourself with dignity.
First of all, we need to recognize the difference between managing anger and ‘ tools vs energetically shifting the event that caused it. Meditation, for example, is great to calm you down, but if we don’t get to the root, you will always need to calm yourself down. That being said, tools are very important…
Wanting to be aware of new ways to manage your anger is great, but there is no excuse in attempting a new approach and then slipping back into repeated patterns of negative behavior.
2. Be Aware Of Your Triggers
When you’re having a good day and suddenly something sets you off, that is when you’re being ‘triggered.’ That event set off the rage inside you – causing your physiology to change. You were in a state of calm, feeling relaxed, but your blood starts to boil and parts of your body clench. At this moment your ego is trying to protect and defend itself.
Recognize what has triggered you and as fast as you can apologize. Your ego likes to punish people for long periods of time, but you can start to resolve things quickly – once you’re aware you’ve behaved angrily apologize to put right the situation as quickly as possible. Your ego won’t want you to do that but the next time it happens, now that you’re aware of it you can immediately take ownership.
If I say something I shouldn’t have, I quickly catch myself before the other person has time to react. I’ll acknowledge how my ego was compelling me to try to validate myself or justify something.
It’s not weak for someone to do that. If someone was to snap at me and catch themselves I’d have so much respect for them!
3. Become Aware Of The Cause
The big epiphany for most people is when they realize the trigger is from an event in their past. Once you get clarity on what the trigger is, you can start to change, but if you don’t believe you can change you will always continue with patterns of negative behavior. You’ll think you’ll always be like that because it’s just who you are.
It’s never too late to change
Some people I’ve worked with have had thirty years of anger and in a short period of time, I’ve managed to shift their negative energy. The first stage in taking responsibility is to look into your past. Is that something you typically avoid? Be honest with yourself. What would happen if I asked you about your family life and history? Are there areas you typically avoid or can you honestly open up? Everything is energetic so the anger you’re holding onto is trapped within you and needs to be released.
Healing Your Inner Child
When you go through traumas as a child, energy gets trapped in your nervous system and you can carry that energy into adult relationships. A relationship may become needy; you may think you’ll be left by a new partner just as you were as a child, you may want to start a business but can’t because subconsciously you fear you’re going to be rejected. We’re living as adults but really we are children needing to be healed.
When anger comes up it’s often from your inner child – a version of you is showing up, not your true self. Triggers activate things from the past that have not been resolved yet. A strong energetic connection is still within you and needs to be shaken off so you feel settled and safe again.
When I’m working with people I have to ask difficult questions – there may be things you don’t want to admit or remember and things you have suppressed. Many entrepreneurs have buried memories regarding their relationships with parents, siblings, or ex-business partners. There can be underlying anger carried to current relationships because the past issue was never resolved.
If when you were young a parent left, you may have felt confused and discomfort because some of your security was taken away. The shock you felt as a child was a trauma. When something unexpected happens to you, it interrupts your energy. Your energy was normal, but something happened and your body felt it, it felt a negative shift. When you’re a child you don’t know how to process trauma so your emotions get locked in time.
Healing In Stages
Healing comes in stages. The processes I use with my clients come from personal experience; I’ve invested in different modalities to bring together the best processes. This enables me to go back into the timeline of someone’s past and access the energy of the exact moment when an incident happened. This enables me to clear traumatic energy out so someone who has been simmering with rage and anger is no longer affected; they are no longer triggered. The impact this has on personal relationships, marriages, business partnerships, how a team or business is built and managed is huge.
Darrin was the perfect example of this. A very successful business owner, but had no idea why he was simmering with rage and taking that out on his family. When we discovered that it was because his father had left when he was young, I was able to get into the energy of that moment and relax his nervous system.
If you have anger that is always active in your nervous system it’s very destructive and painful. No-one wants to show up with rage and anger. When things calm down and you’re back to being your true self, you ask yourself what happened? You need to mop up from how your ego showed up when you decided to be in a fit of rage or said certain things you later regret.
Once you start to understand the energy and recognize your triggers, you begin to realize it’s never about what happened on the surface, it’s always what’s going on within you.
When you’re feeling love and happy your nervous system is generally calm and relaxed, so when something comes up you are more likely to be able to brush off any negativity. You can experience other people’s anger and be relaxed in that. If you are typically angry a lot, someone else’s anger can quickly trigger their own.
The CEO With Calm Confidence
There is a place within you that you will get to, this is the energy of calm confidence.
True confidence is a way of being when you’ve dealt with the timeline and the events of the past and they are resolved energetically. You no longer have the heaviness within you.
If the energy of your past event is not dealt with you’ll continue to live using destructive tools to calm yourself and the situation. You’ll also continue to try to put things right after an incident to say sorry.
Build Your Emotional & Energetic Intelligence
It’s time for you to become emotionally perceptive, understand your emotions, and how they influence your behavior and actions. Recognizing the shifts in your energy and how you can try to move that energy around your body to dissolve any heaviness you carry is emotional and energetic intelligence.
I’m in a place now where not much triggers me or affects me to go into a place of anger.
I’m not saying I will never be angry again, but the triggers of my past are healed. If someone did something offensive there is a good chance that I could get angry about that, the difference is that I can observe the anger and not react or calm myself down using the tools I have. There’s anger and then there’s a reaction to anger.
Maybe in the future, something will happen to me that brings up something I still need to heal. I’ve done the work consistently and I’ve healed to the point where people can blow up at me and I remain completely calm.
This level of presence is a great teacher to others who experience anger and rage.
About Simon Lovell…
Simon Lovell is Author Of The Black Ball: Does Anybody Else Have A Secret and works with CEOs, Entrepreneurs & Leaders to heal, grow emotionally develop their energetic intelligence. His unique process of change is rapid and takes under 6 weeks to create huge shifts.
Programs To Heal Your Anger
If you are somebody that is suffering from anger go to www.simonlovell.com/results and check out some of the testimonials that surround anger. It’s powerful to listen to the stories of other people who have gone through healing and are now able to be calm, confident entrepreneurs. My 6 week 1-1 program is extremely powerful or you can check out The Super High-Performance Formula which is a home study and group program designed for business owners.
In addition, check out Simon’s Unshakeable Leaders Podcast for weekly meditations and shows to help you to grow.